"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Sunday, January 15, 2012

no judgements please.

Before I feel like I can resume chronicling our life again, there are a couple of "elephants" in the room that need to be dealt with... sorta the main reasons I quit wanting to share. I was not in a place to discuss them privately yet it didn't feel right to just ignore them.

Some of our close friends know. Our family knows and our neighbors know, but it is a topic i avoid in public if at all possible.

If you are involved in the community of adoption at all you have heard the term RAD. For those who don't know what those 3 letters stand for , it is Reactive Attachment Disorder. It is a mental illness (condition) that can happen to anyone with a history of trauma, most commonly is seen in some adoptive children. RAD can manifest in many ways... from very slight to severe. Sometimes it can be treated and other times it can not.

Our family picture looks a bit different now... Bis is not in them. We made the very difficult decision to place him into a therapeutic group home a few months ago. Bis has severe RAD, as well as several other mental illnesses.

Life over the past few years has been miserable and scary. Bis had progressed to a point where he was extremely violent. It is hard to explain for those that have not lived it... on paper there is no way to express the nightmare that life was for all of us... including Bis. We had alarms on doors. He had made a plan for how to kill all of us, including his teacher at school. He explained to us how he would do it and what he would do with our bodies. He would describe in great detail the order in which we would die... When we locked up all the knives and scissors in the house, he made his own. He attempted to kill the dog. He attacked Gary with a golf club and Addie and I with a hammer. We had "escape" plans in place... how Noah would get the little kids to a safe place while Addie and I would work on containing Bis. We had the police involved on a couple of occasions. There is 4 years worth of stories I could blog.

Bis is getting help... the help he needs desperately. We dont know what the future holds. He may need to live in group home setting for a year, or 5 years, or the rest of his life. We just dont know at this point.

We are healing... we are learning to not live in fear. We are learning how to relax and enjoy life. We have lived a life that no one should have to live. We have had to make decisions no one should have to make. We have peace with our decisions and we see the healing taking place in our home. Bis struggles with therapy, but he is in an amazing wonderful place... a place that allows him to be the best him that is possible. We have made some incredible friends (you know the ones that see you on your worst possible day and just step in and help out??) and we have had "old" friends that have stood in the gap with us... we have also been judged, questioned and talked about. I would just like to say... you are welcome to walk a mile in our shoes, but those are shoes i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you
and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

we belive this. we cling to this now and forever.


Kris said...

I was wondering about the photo. I am so very sorry you have had to go through that all these years. I know what lengths you went to bring him home. That has to have been a heart wrenching decision. May God bring deep healing to your family.

Nancy said...

so good to see you in blogville again and so glad we could pray for you when you were going thru it. and yes, you can breathe again, as our family can, too. RAD is a far cry as to what we dealt with but nonetheless, the pain and disappointment were there and we still deal with glimpses of it. God has great plans and we must trust. healing feels great, doesn't it?!

love to you all! ****hugs****