Done

Unfortunately I am shutting down my blog. I am tired of having to guard my family from those that choose to do harm. Yes, J**n T******n of scio, oregon! you!!! (i KNOW you are reading this.. I have a tracking app). I am tired of you using my blog and pictures of my children to try and get information about our life. We have moved on and chosen to have no contact due to the fact that it is not safe for my children. We have asked to be left alone. We have protection orders in place yet members of your family choose to continue to taunt my family, to question anyone who might give you information. LEAVE US ALONE! Please understand that your family legacy of skeletons and crimes ends with you. We will not be part of that. Go away.
I will begin another blog. A private one. We will not hide but we will fight. To my friends if you would like an invite to the new private blog please leave me a message and I will make sure to add you!

Pinterest F.A.I.L!!!!!

I bake. I love to bake. I am actually decent at it too! Except for oatmeal (at least that is what I say so that my wonderful husband will make me oatmeal... It always tastes better when he whips me up a bowl)! I also can't make steamed eggs or no bake cookies. But today I found a NEW recipe for no bakes and figured what the heck... They looked like a no brainier... Easy peasy right? Yeah not so much. This is what they were supposed to look like...

and this is what mine look like... drat!!

 

My little creed speaker!!!

Look at this kid!!! He has grown up a bit! He is taller than his momma (though I won't concede that fact to him). He outweighs me and his voice is surprisingly deep for such a scrawny little blonde head boy! When did he grow up? I think it has happened overnight.
He is now in high school even though 9th grade is still at the jr high... Confusing right? It is a weird Utah thing. So he is in FFA. He doesn't have much of a choice since his big Sis is an officer... She signed him up to compete in Creed... A long 5 paragraph essay that has to be memorized word for word... Lets just say he did it. He didn't do it perfectly but he was the only 9th grader who didn't back out. It was painful but he did it... And qualifies to compete at area competition. They should ask me to say it... I believe in the future of agriculture.....

Just a shameless brag...

It has been awhile I know... And something I plan to be active with again... Blogging. I think I quit because there was that Facebook thing but I am really over that! Not too interested in everyone publicly being involved in my life... I sorta like being in the background... And now there is the iPhone and well I can sit in the carpool line and be able to jot things down... Super easy and convenient too!

We had Addie's senior counseling appt today and I know addie is a smartie... I have known that since, we'll, forever... But at the beginning of the year last year when we transferred her into the Utah schools with a graduating class bigger than our old town... I wasn't sure she would graduate on time! They didn't accept many of her credits that she already had and required many classes we had never heard of. We both left last years appt in tears. It seemed that all of her hard work and hours of study to maintain her 4.0 gpa wouldn't really even matter. The classes were much tougher here as well. I remember Gary and I telling her that we were so proud of her having such wonderful grades but maybe we just couldn't worry about it so much... Just accept what is...

So today we met... What a difference a year makes. Addie bravely and confidently walked into that office. Mrs P pulled up her records and said wow! Not only is she on track to graduate she will graduate with 5 extra credits as well as 2 college classes. She only has 2 scheduled classes next semester and has managed to maintain a 3.94 gpa. Her ACT scores were high enough to earn her a 4 year full tuition presidential scholarship for instate colleges. She will retake it and try for 2 points higher which would allow her to go tuition free out of state! I am speechless... I am amazed! She is my hero!!! Seriously. I know how hard she has worked... The late nights... What she has given up... I am so proud of her! Am I surprised? No not so much... After all she did hate kindergarten because they only colored and didn't have chapter books!!! I can't wait to see how far she flies!!!!

home

so excited to see our house being built!!  We can hardly wait.  As Molly says, "it is our dream home".  it is a rambler and i love the fact that it wont appear to be as huge as it really is!  6 bedrooms, 2 living rooms and 2 offices(read CRAFT ROOM)!  And the fact that we get to stay in our very most favorite neighborhood EVER is a big perk!!!  And the view of those mountains from our back patio... ahhhhhhh 6 more weeks!!!  cant. wait!

countdown

Woohoo! Super duper excited... we just found out that in a few short months we should be able to legally change Molly and Yordi's last name to R********!!! They will no longer have the stigma of carrying the last name of the people who were charged with abusing them!!! :-) They of course do not use that last name... they switched a long time ago, but legally it is still their last name. It will be such a huge relief for them as now when Molly gets called that by someone who doesnt know, it terrifies her. One last step in the healing process. Please be praying that it can be done without too much red tape or hoops to jump through. We may have to go to court, but it will be so worth it!!!

A Utah requirement for graduation is Adult Roles. I think Addie has really enjoyed the class this year and it has really been some useful knowledge... budget setting, account balancing, etc. They just entered into their family unit... and I would like to introduce you to the newest member of our family. Her name is... well, depends who you ask. Addie calls her Chubby since she eats for about 20 minutes at a time. Molly calls her "adorable" and can hardly wait to have one of her own. Noah, well, he calls her Lucy... which apparently is short for Lucifer. Of course Addie is quite proud that she got the cutest baby in the whole class!!

big things happening

wow! what a year it has been. already!!! It is Feb... mid Feb and so many big events and life changes have happened!!

So far:
*Gary has been gone more than he has been home!!! But we have had him mostly home for the last 2 weeks and for that we are grateful!!!

*Gary and I snuck away to Las Vegas for 2 nights. He had to be down there for a conference for 7 days so we left 2 days early and had a little getaway! Addie so wonderfully took care of everything here and while Las Vegas wasnt our pick of wonderful places to go, it was wonderful to reconnect and just spend some time together.

*Noah turned 14!! He has grown up so very much and is such a blessing. He has adapted so well to life in Utah. He has great friends who like to go to the movies and out to icecream as a big group. He has also gotten very involved in Scouts, church ball, club basketball, youth group, and now track!!!




*We JUST found out we are going to be grandparents!!!! WOW! It has taken us a bit of time to wrap our brains around that one. We are parents to young children (our youngest is 7)... of course the range is from 7-21, but thought it would be awhile until grandchildren!! We are so excited for Krisana and Austin (the parents to be)! We know there will be struggles and challenges to come... lets face it, we have all been young with meager finances but we pray they will come thru this even stronger!!! And I might add that the girls are thrilled to be the aunts... and Addie even said that we will get to be the cool young grandparents!! :-) let the fun begin!!!

* And finally, we just found out we are under contract and all issues have been resolved and we are just about ready to begin ground breaking on our new house!!!! We are super excited as it was quite an amazing process to watch how the Lord worked it all out... to keep us in our beloved neighborhood and able to build MUCH more house than we thought possible. We will have 3400 sq feet (finished) with 5 bedrooms, 3 bath, office, craft room, cold storage, great room with a FIREPLACE, and an unfinished 6th bedroom, all on a 1/2 acre lot next door to several of our friends!!! We should be moving in by the middle to end of May. We are living right around the corner so it will be fun to watch it be built!!!

* in the house hunt we discovered that I love it... it was Gary and our dear friend and realtor that brought it to my attention... i love the hunt, SO when life settles down just a bit, I plan on going to school (online) to get my realtor license!!! There is a housing boom where we live and you cant keep houses on the market, so timing will be perfect!!!

whew... so far 2012 is off to a wonderful start. I look forward to see how the rest of year unfolds as we enjoy all the many blessings in our life.

laser tag days and snowy nights

Gary is out of town, again, and when he is, we try to find something different and fun to do. Sometimes it is sitting in the cool booths at USwirl and looking out at the mountains. Other times it is swimming at the pool. Other times it may be a treat of In and Out burger for dinner... or cereal... just something that puts a little fun into a day. So today since it was early out Monday (really not cool to have MONDAY be early release days... really... after a weekend I could use a couple extra hours at least to catch up!!!) we decided to hit Trafalga... a little fun center close to our house. We got unlimited passes (includes 2 water parks for summer) for Christmas and needed to go get our ID's made. Since it was snowing hard and still early the front desk guy talked us into a round of laser tag. I have never played... ever... guns arent really my thing. But in the spirit of "fun" I said what the heck.

If you know my Molly Shen, you know she worries. And when she has nothing to worry about, she finds something to worry about. She must ask me every day how much gas is today. On Christmas day she was worrying about what she would pack in her lunch on the day back to school. One of her biggest fears is the dark and scary things. She has nightmares all the time that she is stolen... so telling her we were going into the dark where we would shoot people and try to not be shot didnt go over so well. I pretty much drug her into the pre game room to watch the video. I strapped her vest on and put her laser gun into her hand KNOWING that i would probably have to haul her out of there screaming.

And then the game began... and she realized no one could hurt her and she went crazy. She snuck around... she crawled past doorways, put her back to walls and raced to hidey holes... it was the funniest thing to watch. It was like watching some cops and robbers show. As soon as we were done she asked if we could bring dad back when he gets home... she thinks that maybe he has some ex police skills that she could learn. (And she wants to be able to sneak up on him!!!)

Tonight she is tucked into my bed... sleeping on her dad's side of the bed... she isnt scared to sleep by herself...oh no sir... she just wants to help me out if I need something during the night and dad isnt here...

no judgements please.

Before I feel like I can resume chronicling our life again, there are a couple of "elephants" in the room that need to be dealt with... sorta the main reasons I quit wanting to share. I was not in a place to discuss them privately yet it didn't feel right to just ignore them.

Some of our close friends know. Our family knows and our neighbors know, but it is a topic i avoid in public if at all possible.

If you are involved in the community of adoption at all you have heard the term RAD. For those who don't know what those 3 letters stand for , it is Reactive Attachment Disorder. It is a mental illness (condition) that can happen to anyone with a history of trauma, most commonly is seen in some adoptive children. RAD can manifest in many ways... from very slight to severe. Sometimes it can be treated and other times it can not.

Our family picture looks a bit different now... Bis is not in them. We made the very difficult decision to place him into a therapeutic group home a few months ago. Bis has severe RAD, as well as several other mental illnesses.

Life over the past few years has been miserable and scary. Bis had progressed to a point where he was extremely violent. It is hard to explain for those that have not lived it... on paper there is no way to express the nightmare that life was for all of us... including Bis. We had alarms on doors. He had made a plan for how to kill all of us, including his teacher at school. He explained to us how he would do it and what he would do with our bodies. He would describe in great detail the order in which we would die... When we locked up all the knives and scissors in the house, he made his own. He attempted to kill the dog. He attacked Gary with a golf club and Addie and I with a hammer. We had "escape" plans in place... how Noah would get the little kids to a safe place while Addie and I would work on containing Bis. We had the police involved on a couple of occasions. There is 4 years worth of stories I could blog.

Bis is getting help... the help he needs desperately. We dont know what the future holds. He may need to live in group home setting for a year, or 5 years, or the rest of his life. We just dont know at this point.

We are healing... we are learning to not live in fear. We are learning how to relax and enjoy life. We have lived a life that no one should have to live. We have had to make decisions no one should have to make. We have peace with our decisions and we see the healing taking place in our home. Bis struggles with therapy, but he is in an amazing wonderful place... a place that allows him to be the best him that is possible. We have made some incredible friends (you know the ones that see you on your worst possible day and just step in and help out??) and we have had "old" friends that have stood in the gap with us... we have also been judged, questioned and talked about. I would just like to say... you are welcome to walk a mile in our shoes, but those are shoes i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you
and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

we belive this. we cling to this now and forever.

it has been a little while...

Hello... i should probably introduce myself... I am Denise. :-) So many times i have sat down to update this blog and turned off my computer. I have said I would blog, but havent. There has been some tough stuff. And i didnt really know how to blog it. But ignoring it was difficult too. Then there was the privacy issue... we lived where my little family needed to be protected from a world of lies and abuse. A place where facts were exchanged for lies and where sadly victims were cast as the "guilty".

But... time has passed and wounds have healed. We are safe... we dont look over our shoulders or turn our heads as people whisper behind our backs. We live free and loved and happy now.

And it was sitting around the table with the kids just talking that the blog was mentioned, and i realized how important it was to all of them. That they missed it. And for whatever reason, the blog is a big part of them... and so it has been edited (and probably will be some more). It has been given a bit of an update... (thanks Noah for getting the stomach flu... which kept me home looking for a break from the laundry).

so we started over. We refused to give into the lies. We chose to believe that God could turn everything into good. We stand on that. God is good. All the time.

Guess you had to be there...

You had to have been there... I am just sayin'... it wont be nearly as funny to just read it... it wont be funny at all, but this morning Addie and I stood there just looking at each other before busting up with laughter.  She says "mom that is a blogging line"....

We were ready for church early, quite a feat actually when you figure there is just 1 of me and 5 kiddos to dress, feed, and keep clean until time to leave... (dont forget dogs to feed, fires to make, oh and 37 loads of laundry or so).  i asked Noah to bring in 5 logs before church.  The littles were watching tv in the living room and noah tromps across my clean floors in Addie's polkadotted boots carrying his logs.  Molly chirps up super loud... "you cant come in here like that!!!!"  and noah growls back "watch me"!!!!!  This comment and in this tone of voice I do not think any of us have ever heard from Noah... it even left Molly speechless.  Of course Addie and I were rolling on the bed in fits of giggles down the hall... luckily I had time to sweep the floors. Again.

 

Dinosaur Days

Yordi cracks me up... He is easily led to the dark side but is such an innocent little guy that it is hysterically funny.  He LOVES dinosaurs. LOVES them!!!! 

We were driving down the road to Grammy and Papas house and there are lots of wooded areas.  Yordi yells up to Addie from the backseat ... "Addie do you think there is such a thing as dinosaurs?"  Addie told him she was sure that there used to be dinosaurs.  He agreed and told her she really needed to turn her music down cause he really thought there might be some baby dinosaurs in the bushes and trees alongside the road. She asked him what he would do if he saw one... Yordi says "I would jump out of the car and chase it down and catch it. I really hope it is a T Rex cause those are the ones with teeth."  Addie asked him what he would do with it once he caught it.  Yordi says "mom can I keep the ones I catch?" Of course I juumped all over that one and said SURE!!!  Yordi throws a fist up in the air and shouts "Yes! I finally get my own pet!!!"

--------------------------

Molly Shen and Yordi were playing in the dining room.  Yordi had all his dinosaurs out and Molly Shen had her horses... everything was going along swell until the dinosaurs got hungry, stormed the barn and attempted to eat the horses...

A huge fight broke out which resulted in the dinosaurs being UNinvited over to play in the barn... Yordi tried to convince Molly that is was a fact of nature that dinosaurs eat meat,,, and well horses are meat... unfortunately the circle of life was broken when Molly pointed out that horses indeed must be superior since the dinosaurs are now extinct...  poor Yordi.... this apparantly was news to him.

Young Love...

Molly Shen came busting into the car after school yesterday, chatting non stop as is usual for her... She says mom the funniest thing happened...
"S" one of her dear friends said to her: Molly do you like me? I know you like me
Molly: Yes S i like you but not like a boyfriend
S: Yes you do. I know it
Molly: No, we cant have boyfriends until we are in high school or we will get in trouble.
S: You HAVE to like me or I will punch you in the face.

Molly Shen was laughing hysterically..." Gosh mom it was so funny cause he is too sweet to punch anyone and if he did i wouldnt like him AND i would never be his girlfriend... even when i get into high school!!!! 

Ahhh... young love in the 2nd grade...

terrorism task force

Dont let these innocent, adorable faces fool you.  We had a terrorism task force meeting.. ie family meeting at the dinner table.... A review of some hot topic issues that needed to be discussed in further detail.

Item 1:  All dogs must go outside to potty. Even if it is dark, even if it is raining. They are dogs.  They dont get to use my bathroom.

Item 2:  If ANYONE (child or dog) gets sick in the night, there will be NO vomiting exactly in the spot I would put my feet when I launch my body from a dead sleep to hurl myself from the bed.  AND IF by chance there is vomit in that spot and my feet do land in it and I slip and fall, DO NOT SAY SHHHHH I am sleeping!

Item 3:  It is my bed.  If you feel the need to sleep in it with me sleep on your own side and your own pillow.  There is no open forum for discussion on this anymore.

Item 4:  IF you are sleeping with me, keep your toes out of my ribcage, ears and spine.

Item 5:  IF I happen to go down the hall to use the bathroom, I SWEAR I am coming back.  I do not need to be escorted and waited for outside the door by 4 people a dog and a cat.  I have acutally been doing this for years and am quite capable of doing it on my own...  and I will come back.  Eventually.  I promise.

Item 6:  If you have a temper tantrum and kick and scream and bite and yell and then get up and ask for me to make you your own entree for dinner cause what I have made doesn't happen to be your favorite... DO EXPECT to be laughed at by all your siblings... hysterically laughed at, as in table slapping laughed at.  Followed up with comments like "Good luck with that one buddy!" or "are you freakin kidding me????"

Item 7:  If you spray yourself in the eye with your sisters perfume that you have snuck from her room, well, dont be offended if all your sibling say ewwww... you smell like a girl.

Item 8:  If you are not getting your way, PLEASE whine loudly and cry and complain.  I LOVE this really. 

Item 9:  There will be no more stealing allowed and from here on out EVERYONE is on high alert.  The thieving cat will be stalked until his lair is found along with it all the ponytail holders, earrings, socks, pencils and sink stoppers. If anyone sees a crime in process you will secretly follow said cat and notify someone older than you.

Meeting adjourned.  I will not negotiate with terrorists.  I am sure from here on out peace and harmony will reign in our house, the dogs will be fetching my slippers and my children will be laying their clothes out and packing their own lunches weeks ahead of time.  A girl can dream right???

Stupid things people say...

Gonna let you in on a little secret. Our family is made up of 3 countries. We are not a biracial family. We are a multi racial family. We forget this. We think we look like everyone else's family. We have heard some pretty stupid stuff over the years. We have heard some pretty offensive stuff too. While walking between stores awhile back we had a carload drive by slowly, honk, flip us off and yell out many racial slurs... most of the stuff is stupid and honestly people for the most part dont mean it, I am sure... BUT...

Lady at previous church: Are you planning on telling your kids they are adopted or keep it a secret.

Me: DEFINITELY keeping it a secret

___________________________-

Another Lady at previous church: Isnt it horrible to change a diaper of a child that isn't yours? I mean diapers are bad enough if they belong to your own child, but someone elses? Terrible.

__________________________________

Another lady at previous church: We will need a copy of your boys medical files so we can send a letter out to all Sunday School parents to let them know that there will be AFRICANS in their childrens classes... and they may expose them to AIDS... due to the fact they are from AFRICA... (really)

____________________________

Another lady at previous church (see any patterns here): I have always wanted one of those - (pointing to Molly Shen in my arms) I need to ask my husband again and maybe he will let us get one as a early Christmas present.

________________________

Everytime I look at your kids it just reminds me of puppies in the pound

________________________

Grocery clerk to kids: Which ones are the REAL brothers and sisters?
Molly Shen to clerk: We are all real brothers and sisters. we all look alike and we all have the same mom.

__________________________

Honestly, these are all things we have heard... It has gotten to be a joke almost when we go somewhere to see how many heads we can turn and "what" comments we will get...

So, here is the deal...
Dont
ask me which kids are my REAL kids. they ALL are my real kids (as opposed to fake kids i guess)
Dont
ask me about their REAl parents. If you are my BFF or family or need to know, I will tell you. AND I AM the REAL parent.
Dont
expect me to divulge personal details of my childrens life stories if we arent close. If you need to ask, I am probably not gonna tell you.
Dont
recommend DOG shampoos i should try, because your BLACK poodle has hair just like my son.
Dont
justify to me that your child is making squinty eyes at my daughter because your family doesnt really "do" orientals. (really??)
Dont
(in front of my children especially) ask me to tell you why they were thrown away, discarded, abandoned etc by their birthparents. Again, if you needed to know, I would have already told you.
Dont
ask me how much money my children cost. Buying children is ILLEGAL. I didnt buy my children.
Dont
ask me why I didnt just have kids of my own... ( I did have biological kids, but they don't look like me either and you assume they are adopted as well)

I dont think I am being oversensitive. These are things we hear on a daily basis... I only dont hear them if I dont leave my house OR i go somewhere without my kids... I know other families that go through the SAME thing. And honestly, for the most part, I believe none of this is said in a malicious way... I try to smile and educate or just let people know they are crossing lines that for some reason they dont believe exist...

The best thing??? Ask me about adoption. Look me in the eye and smile. Tell me my family is beautiful. That means the world. I nearly hugged a lady at Costco who did that exact thing.... but I didn't want to freak her out!

Beautiful

"God ordains broken things in order to make all things whole" I love this song. I can hardly make it through without the tears falling. I dont know why. It just gets me. Everytime. Molly loves this song. She falls asleep to it every night. She doesn't understand the words, but it moves her to tears.. She says she doesnt know what it is about, she just feels that it is how her heart feels about God. And it makes her cry. Not sad tears, but those happy tears... Heart tears...

Silence

I promised a few funny conversation posts and those will be coming, not everything is tragic around here... and sheesh with this group there is plenty of opportunity for funny but not tonight.

This morning in church we spent time praying for our dear friends the Croffs, who will be leaving for China in a few days.  They plan to go to orphanages and be with the children... They talked of what an "emotional" journey it will be and I was instantly transported back to my emotional journey to China.  Even now there are no words...

Our house is filled with noise and laughter... sounds that some days make my head feel like it will explode... and the ring leader of the noise is my not so quiet Molly Shen.  She begins FULL conversation the moment that her eyes flutter open.  She talks WHILE brushing her teeth, while chewing her food and usually falls asleep in the middle of a sentence... she even talks during the night in her sleep.   Sometimes it is all I can do to not cover my ears and scream.  It drives her siblings wonky...  but it is music to my ears and it makes me smile.  It hasn't always been so.

Molly was handed to me at 18 months and she didn't make a sound.  She didn't cry, she didnt coo, talk or scream. She was silent.  When we went to visit her orphanage we entered a large concrete building that housed about 200 babies and infants.  And the silence will forever haunt me.  There was no crying.  There was no laughing.  There were no baby sounds at all.  The absence of sound still chills my soul. 

Molly remembers the silence.  She has pictures that we took that day, of her bed, of her room... She says she used to cry when she was a baby so that someone would hold her or talk to her... she specifically says she cried and cried for someone to "rock rock and tell her hush it is all ok",  she cried and noone came.  No mommy came. She says she cried until she stopped.  I ask her why she stopped and she looks at me and shrugs and says "why cry?"  Silence still haunts her...

The silence will always haunt me, but it is now a reminder of how far we have come... and it makes me smile (and groan) when I hear that blood curdling, high pitched, shrill voice of hers come barreling down the hallway.  The silence will always haunt us, but there is no silence here.

long forgotten blog

It has been a long time. A really long time.  I thought I was done blogging... our story had changed so dramatically that there was no way to even blog... BUT we are back. AGAIN.  This has been a year from Hell, yet many good things too, old friends made new, new memories, ...

I am a single mom, of 5.  Yes somedays this seems bigger than it is... but it is...

My little kids have faced nightmares that no mother dreams their children will have to go through...

We have had to retreat to our little yellow house... no school, no church, no activities in order to protect little innocent children from evil. 

But, we have seen friends, true friends and family.  The ones that when faced with an ugly situation dig in next to us...

BUT we are back.  Still wounded, still hurting, still untrusting,

And so I will blog from my little yellow house... we will continue to survive... until we can begin to live again. 

2 years ago...

2 years ago we were in Africa... Gotcha Day... Africa was beautiful and we will be forever changed for having been there... We made wonderful friends and experienced everything we could. We hugged and held so many little faces... we are still praying for some that are still there... waiting after 2 years...

Our 2 years hasn't been without its struggles, but seeing all 3 littles snugged together reading a book under the blanket is amazing. They have come a long way... we are a family....